i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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