I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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