She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I will pee on everything he values.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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