I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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