I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
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I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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