im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
