I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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