I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
