it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
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two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
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