Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
