Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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