So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
