I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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