Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
idk, it's all black and i hear low talking...
dude, i think you're in initiation!
shit. that's not good.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
