guys are not supposed to queef...right?
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
