yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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