u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Randomize
