Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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