his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
