Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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