dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
