this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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