my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
