oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
