Can i not drive my cunt home
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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