i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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