I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
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And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
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Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
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