all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Randomize
