Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
