Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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