I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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