hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
