It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Randomize
