Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
