Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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