i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
