and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Randomize
