Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
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