guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Randomize
