today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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