in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
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