This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Never underestimate the power of titties
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