tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
