Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
