my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
