i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
