I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
