oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
