She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
