We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Randomize
