please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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