So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
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