The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
