if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Randomize
