oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
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