do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
