I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
