Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
