I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
He is an equal opportunity slut.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
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