nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
