you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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