I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
