The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
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Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
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I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
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