oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
