it's not cheating when I paid for it
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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